New Beginnings....

New year, new place, new people, new relations, new feelings...so much new that I've lost everything old and reliable. Like my comfy worn out blanket or the feeling of a warm hug by a loved one. That's the funny side of life it's actually pretty ironic how running after a certain motive and when you achieve that goal all you want is to run from it! Liberating yet frustrating it's cheers to these bitter sweet new beginnings!

Q & A

hmmmm...as always i have broken my promise once again to write frequently, after all it is my only out let, well not quite my only out let! its been a while I'm a little rusty and sleepy..as usual sitting in front of a blank screen in the wee hours of the morning indicates that trouble is lurking by but i guess its not troubles that hushes sleep away its the feeling of emptiness. It makes me question whether or not all that i do is sufficient? i guess the answer to this question lies with in myself and i dont need to look for answers around me, its the looking with in myself part that scares me, maybe i don't want to come across the brutal reality of this superficial life that I'm leading...there is so much going on around us and we are just blinded by all that bling! why? this is the question that rules my thoughts the most, it is the ability to question that is slowly being replaced by less important statements. The ability to question is the one that makes us human, it gets really irritating as well when you repeatedly ask a question, even if it is to oneself, but its the very essence of human nature, no matter how big or small, it helps to learn and makes us more aware, are you aware with all the little luxuries around you? the unplanned pedicures? all the spontaneous dinner plans? all the crazy shoe shopping? its these little luxuries we don't even reckon, why? because we don't question...we are not aware. My point is appreciate! you might wake up tommorrow and not have all of it....i questioned myself today..and i ended up appreciating my little packages of blessings:) so WHY is a very important factor in my life...

FAITH

faith..its a very complex phenomena, how people can define faith oftens puzzels me. There are different explanations of it, we have faith in God, in our families, in our selves, even in our cat (that she just wont wonder away), what we fail to realize is that having faith in God is a completely different stature but having with in people or things or situations just blinds a person from reaching to the top.

Once we start having faith in people we get side tracked from our judgements, we let our guard down and become vulnerable to the extent where we always..and yes i mean ALWAYS...end up getting hurt. Now its not entirely recommended that one should become a total shrew, okay maybe a little faith would be good, but still one should stay clear in ones judgement.

However looking at the otherside of faith...faith does pull one back from the edge countles times, when a person feels as if they are on a cliff with a harsh wind gushing them towards the edge and they are screaming agonizingly for help but no one can hear then..at the very moment, that very instance they find faith..faith to hold on..faith to fight..faith to linger on..some may say thats not faith its hope to carry on but hope is just a tiny little part of faith. Having faith allows hope to spring in ones darkest, loneliest hour..like a pheonix..a person rises from thier ashes.

Thats the miracle of faith..it gives way to contentment, satisfaction, hope, beauty and life itself.

Now the question is how long does this faith last?

.....

I have'nt figured out the title for this post as yet because I dont know where this post is headed, im angry and spiteful, rage is rushing through my viens and hate is tightening my chest to the point where im breathless and it hurts!

How stupid can we get? okay I understant that we tend to fall short on our judgement but I mean come on! the advices we give to others why can't we take a notice ourselves? I call it the system...and we are all slaves to the system. The system exsits in the very foundations of us and we follow it subconciously..breaking free? not a chance my dear...

We just need to find a way to find the tricks and cheats to get around the system, where we have to be one step ahead of it...like a chess game...

The Saga of Trust

Living in the fear of loneliness,
a black wall compressing itself inward.
Your voice calls out and tells me this ‘truth’,
but I’m too obsessed to believe it so.
The bottle of this water freezes over as I sit,
thinking of you and all of these promises,
laid out like a deck of cards with both red and black suits-
the colors never matter, only their faces.

A worry tremor can be heard through the phone,
the dial tones become annoying after a few minutes.
This is the saga of somebody who is caught
between her sanity and the love she feels,
What good is a life when you are running around
never knowing what is real and what is not?

I am here in this same old room
patted down with strange bright lights,
it’s like an interrogation of the soul
Resided on by yours truly and the other lovers.
Of all the stables in my life I choose to lean on you,
a thicket of wheat tumbling with no direction in these winds.

Fly solo instead of flying haywire.

Is that really so? I have learned again;
It is my own inability to trust that holds me back,
holds back the ability to feel perfectly okay.
I should take your word for it and everything else,
have faith in this humanity I keep trying to save,
Maybe then one day they will start to have faith in me.

I have come to these mere conclusions,
that life is better lived in honesty
So at first believe that all whom you encounter are honest.
Simple?
I will no longer question but feel comforted with your answers.
This is my saga, care to join in?

A certain film entices the damaged, the lost,
the wounded of what is in your head
(a twisted image between these walls,
painted cleverly by your rivals).
I will sit and watch with the clocks ticking by,
holding your hand like a runaway child,
For being here is better than on the other side of you.

Wondering...

its been ages since i wrote....i had some how lost myself in the hustle and bustle of the busy city life, although now it just seems so artificial and pointless, all those hello's and the excited "oh my gawwddd you've lost so much weight" or "hai itni bari hoagyi hai, shaadi kab karwa rahi hoo" remarks. I mean what's thier problem neway? some how people have lost the decency to mind thier own business or maybe they are so restless and unsatisfied that they need an excuse to forget what they face at home.

I guess im going through a transition period where im desperatly holding on to the hope to find myself, I, for once have never felt this lost. Lost not in my goals, but lost in this superficial life style where everything is like a beautiful mairage, its an escape to thirsty eyes but as soon as you come closer it crumbles to dust with your touch. Im living among a world where, with each sunset, the walls grow closer and closer and a point will come when all of us will become a part of that wall...the question that i keep asking is why? why wait for that point? why not break through these barriers and set ourselves free? what are we waiting for? why are we so scared to break free? are we scared of the risks that follow? are we afraid of the consequences? or are we terrified of the regret?

All in all our decessions are always a gamble and there is always a chance to win or lose its how we shape our experience that matters..but then again im a pessimist..so just wondering...

ANGER!!!

anger
bubbling up like a storm
overwhelming tearsdripping down like rain
glistening upon the heart
as love disappears
breaking waves
learning who he said he was
wasn't who he was
lying
anger sprouting from the soul within
anger threatening to erupt into a whirlwind of emotions
breaking apart the foundation
of the soulstarting again
why me?
temptation to curl up and just disappear
into a hole of self-pity
breaking down the wall
anger
lashing out at everyone and everything
spilling over the tears
of the heart

Blessings..

Every time I look at you I forget all worries, your smile makes my problems melt so far away, your hands, every time they hold me gives me the strength to carry on, to shelter you, to protect you, every time your upset my heart falls in the pit of my tummy and I feel queasy and sad, every time you cry I'm there to wipe your tears, I hurt when I see your tears they are as precious to me as the rarest pearls and diamonds, I cry with you at times when I'm unable to take your pain away and at times I cry secretly doubting myself whether I'll be good enough for you. Every time I hear you I feel like an excited little girl lost in a candy store and every time you snuggle with me I experience a little bit of heaven...our heaven... Just you and me... You have given me the reason to hope and feel real, you have saved me from myself and I'm thankful to you, you have taught me how to live and love from a broken heart, you have made me strong enough to stand up with skimmed knees and half lost faith. You make my world real and I love you unconditionally my son.
( after writing this post I realized what a parents love is for their child, it's also dedicated to both my parents who have been the ray of hope and strength in my life, I love you mom & dad)